Laughter is healing and keeps life fun.
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.
The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it!!!”
The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.”
A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant
“Is it mine?”
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, “That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware”
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.”
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answers. . . .
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. “I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.
“See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!” “That”s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”
“And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!” “That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”
“And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!” “That’s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last room mate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.” Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think the stock market is heading?”
A motorist was driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened and he then asked what the animal was worth.
For years ‘n years they told me,
“Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.”
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.
The three best jobs in the world are:
1. Designated hitter for a major league baseball team.
2. Meteorologist for a television affiliate station.
3. Forex trader
What other jobs can you fail 79% of the time and still be considered good at your job?
A stockbroker and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The stockbroker asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just want to have a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “Me want um coffee”.
One day, a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse. As she is walking, she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-beam in the ceiling. She asks, “What are you doing?”