Forex Mom

Archive for the ‘Forex Jokes’ Category

Bubba Had Shingles.

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An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one.  The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”  So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, “I am the Speaker of the House and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America ‘s people don’t want me to die.” 

She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, “I’m a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America .”  So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could.  I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”

The little girl said, “That’s okay, Mr. President.  There’s a parachute left for you.  America ‘s smartest woman took my schoolbag.”

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: Read the rest of this entry »

A friend asked her teenage son to empty the grass catcher from the lawn mower after she had finished mowing. He emptied it on the lawn.

When Gwyn was young we had hamburger gravy on mashed potatoes for dinner. I was poor. I said eat up or we’ll have poop on a shingle for breakfast. She said looks like poop on a cloud for dinner.

While shopping for hair shampoo, my daughter asked for $8.00 shampoo Vidal Sassoon. I asked what’s wrong with the .89 cent stuff I buy. She said look what it did to you dad. (I’m bald). OK Gwyn, you won.

Sometimes kids make no sense at all until you listen to them. But be prepared to laugh.

Mike

 The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Fletch,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Fletch, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.
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1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
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